I know I had been a nuisance by moaning these few weeks. I didn't (and still) dare to reveal 100% my thoughts, not even to my parents. The powerlessness, perhaps, is the main reason I feel so depressed (am I?).
If I get cancer and can only live 1 year, or if next year's the end of the world, I'm sure I'll regret not being able to read Law IN UK. As why that country looks so appealing, I don't know. It's just something so fixed into my mind that it has become part of my soul. To forget about it isn't that easy.
Why do I weep? That's such a good question. And to match with it, I have an equally brilliant answer : I don't know. It's just a surge. Maybe because I didn't have a good flow of tears for the past 19 years?
Of course, crying over spilt milk is useless, but I can't help regretting things I had done and not achieved in the past two years.
Let's see, what else? Yeah, we are EXPECTING to make a FIRM decision by next week. Australia seems to be a better choice, although I still have to loan tens of thousands. Mum's quite reluctant now to let me off. Honestly, I still hope that something good will come in this two months.
Growing up can sometimes bring negative thinkings, such as losing the courage to just walk boldly into a foreign place without any doubt. Fear is what that's eating up my soul. I wanted so much to just dash over to UK, willing to work and sacrifice whatever possible. But what after that? If something crop up, I have barely nothing to support me. NOTHING. I can only wait helplessly in the airport to be deported back.
It's a weird thought that I craved so much to study overseas and yet wish to come back to Malaysia. Everyone (almost) wanted to leave this country of unfairness, but I wanted to serve the country. Naive or foolish? You grade it, and keep it.
For the time being, I can only pray for the best. What's the best? I don't know either. Growing older doesn't neccessarily means growing wiser. I feel like growing stupid-er in a way. Or is it because I have to much time to think? *growing mushrooms at home =.=* I'm learning very hard to leave things in God's hand and to obey His wishes, that are normally contradictory to mine. *sigh*
Looking forward to attending the steamboat with a happy soul and a healthy body.
Night~
friend, i'm really looking forward to the steamboat... hope to share some of ur burdens.
ReplyDeletehaha... i'm looking forward to FINALLY meet you guys after quite a long time (i remember meeting you and alvin during CNY, but Jed was like, last year?) and also the ice-cream. haha...
ReplyDeletenah, mum say stop being a nuisance and trouble you happy guys with my burdens. =)