成长的代价？

曾经，我在某篇文章写过类似“如果眼泪是迈入adulthood的门票，我可以不要吗？”的句子。

原文：(ii)泪海 是长大必要付出的代价吗？我变得很爱哭。虽然不是每次都流下眼泪，可是在夜深人静的时候，就很想很想哭。。。压力和泪水是我必须还的入场费？真想拒绝哪。。。找不到那个曾经爱笑，而且笑得很单纯的我了。。。讨厌这种改变，而且我变得很不像我。。。总是觉得，现在的我，是活在面具下，而这个包装，我很不喜欢。。。
（http://shiningice89-barbara.spaces.live.com/blog/cns!A983A164DC8C553B!270.entry）

最近又有新的领悟，莫怪看书都会读到，大人不想长大，只有小孩拼命渴望快高长大。

小时候总是无忧无虑地过日子；最贴切的歌也许是《时间》，《童年》也不错，还有孙燕姿的那首叫什么来着？啊，《天黑黑》亦有说出我们的心声。话说，有人记得《时间》的全部歌词吗？我只记得有“年纪小的时候”、“我总是等啊等啊等啊”、“渐渐长大以后”、“我总是追啊追啊追啊”……

年少真的是轻狂的岁月……总是觉得船到桥头自然直……很潇洒，天不怕地不怕地去追求自己的理想。当年龄逐渐增加，见闻增加了，胆子减少了……会开始顾东虑西，步伐开始沉重，皱纹开始增加，白发争先恐后地占领头皮上坪数不大的地方……“卡位”成为了一时的流行语。

二十岁，一个大家称为尴尬的年龄。Britney Spears不也唱了: I'm not a girl, not yet a woman？很多人不懂该如何拿捏生活中的一切。目前的我，正是待在想要不顾一切地往前冲，可是，摔倒过的阴影挥之不去的处境……不好意思任性，可是又深怕自己会会忘记最初的梦……

选择太多有时未必是好事？

很羡慕年纪轻轻就被捧为偶像的明星。我不否认我羡慕他们有能力赚很多很多的钱，但我更羡慕的是他们有很明确的目标，每天都有让自己努力不停下的动力。回头看看20岁的允浩、20岁的昌珉、20岁的在中、20岁的俊秀、20岁的有天……在我这个年龄的时候，他们已经是风靡亚洲的明星了……就连曾经演出《小孩不笨》的某个新加坡男演员（就是那个最后打武术的）现在也已经长大演《乒乓圆》了……他们也很辛苦地在娱乐圈中成长，为什么我就这么容易流泪，对生活这么没有把握呢？是因为自己而懦弱，还是因为现实而无力呢？

好想找回以前那个充满自信、不怕，甚至喜爱挑战、面对问题总是微笑克服的我……

前阵子刚刚看到了类似以下的话语：
growing old is a must, growing up is optional。
那……我可以选择延迟grow up吗？反正都被迫grow old了……偶已经很可怜滴呢～真的很想任性地跟自己的心走……

吖，那天本来要写，原来我也有轻微（真的很轻微，因为只有符合其中两项的50%）的“心流感”……对于这个新名词有兴趣的人，可以click它的link，也许，你和我一样患有这种因环境而衍生的“病”哦……
（http://disease.39.net/082/29/259597.html）

ps：因为电脑忽然jam，我才发现blogspot的好……它会自动储存我的draft，所以即使重新启动手提电脑，我也不必重头打我的文章……呵呵……好啦好啦，勉强原谅它不能cut and paste和upload照片超慢的缺点吧……（我会不会太容易满足啊？XD）

Another good news~

Unexpectedly, I end up in Penang. Even more unexpectedly, I get to try connecting to the Internet through WiFi in KLIA where I received another good news: QUT accepted me for LLB!!

I had a great time, although tired, coming the whole way to Penang. I shall share this later. To conclude, I met a lot of nice people, including seniors from USM. A LOUD THANK YOU to all that helped me the whole way.

THANK YOU LORD FOR LISTENING TO MY PRAYERS AND ENDURED WITH MY TEARS AND SEEMLY-NEVER-ENDING NAGGING PRAYERS.

THANK YOU LORD FOR GIVING ME A CHANCE TO REALISE MY DREAMS.

I SHALL WALK THIS ROAD BRAVELY AND STRONGLY, WITH YOUR GUIDANCE AND LOVE.

ps: I'm excited to actually hear people speaking Korean right in front of me! I guess I really like Yunho. Haha..

later

really no energy left to write the things spinning in my head whole day, erm, make that two days, now. so maybe later, i'll update (given that i have time)

pray for me to remember God and His love.

Happy Fathers' Day

I made it to publish a post today while I'm free, unlike Mothers' Day last month. I made Daddy a card, a really childish kind last Sunday because... I got the date wrong! Haha... I thought last Sunday's 3rd week. Nevermind, I'd saved it for today. Will give him later as a surprise. Although I wanted to go out for steamboat tonight, but I don't really feel well. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday.

I'm thinking of going to church tonight. Slept at 2am again this morning. Thinking a lot, but nothing came out in the end. I made a "deal" with God. If He sends 3 person before 9am tomorrow to tell me it's His wish I do education, I shall go to Penang. If not, I'll regard this as a test, a test to my passion of law. Deep down in my heart though, I don't want them to turn up XD

Giving up isn't easy, no matter whichever choice. The Road Not Taken ~ Shall I take the greener one?

The only reason standing between me and QUT is the burden my parents need to share with me in the future 10 years.

The only reason standing between me and USM is the regret I can't do my ambition, after I rejected JPA UK.

*sigh*

Life~

Anyway, Happy Fathers' Day to all the daddy(s) in the world. [This way I won't miss out anyone]. Maybe you are my old classmate and already had a kiddy or two. Who knows?

To Mr Tan Chuan Pok, THANK YOU for being my earthly father, bearing me in everything.

To Lord my heavenly father, THANK YOU for loving me and enduring my selfishness.

再短短

今晚冒着大雨（好啦，我们去的时候转小雨，好啦好啦，小小雨）去听了大专之夜……看在竹媚妈妈（和爸爸）也有去的份上，我就让妈咪也去听听……到了才懂，有好多父母出席哦……妈咪开始责怪老爸不出席……

念慈的姐姐领唱，然后某个UMS的学长开始致词……很可爱哦……哈哈……大家才明白orientation week折磨新人，是因为怕他们想家……可是，我和竹媚都说如果每天只让我们睡2到4个小时，我们会骂人噢……我们都是必须睡足8个小时的乖宝宝……哈哈……

USM main campus 是去5S2看slideshow。好怀念以前吖……跟我一样修读sains dengan pendidikan 的有5个学姐，都是第4年的！跟我一样的newbies……东瞧瞧西看看，没有！只有我一个中这个原本今年打算关闭的科系==……听说去年诗巫也只有一个==……真的很认真地考虑澳洲哦……是很好听，是很好玩，可是……很难心动……

竹媚也打算放弃UMP的怪怪科系……真的是没有听过的……今天由她的senior证实，今年刚刚开始的课程，完全没有资料可参考……

于是……今晚的我俩……可能……要……失眠咯……

培宁，我会告诉你我的决定的……还有，ps一下，我妈说你变很美很美……呵呵呵……