a share copied from Recom.org

Well then, given the fact that I'm really tired these few days, I shall post this up as I think it's really a nice piece. I'm not sure if this's going to ease my feel though. I'm kinda numb after months of trekking money (with no avail *sigh*)

Glassylicious in her piece "Obligatory Pep Talk and General Advice with regards to Scholarship Rejections" states a few inspiring (?) sentences, but I liked this most:

A misfortune today may well be a blessing in disguise for tomorrow. When a door closes in your face, it means that somewhere out there, another has opened. So you can either wail and bang the closed door with your fists until they bleed, or you can start looking for that other open door. Don't give up, and keep telling yourself that there's a better opportunity waiting for you elsewhere.

Anyway, this lady (I guess it's a girl due to the nick chosen), got her luck to get into reading law in UK after A-levels. I do envy her.

And this person, luminodreamer89, who also got admitted into UK top university Imperial, stated this:

What you get when you didn't get what you want is experience. The most valuable thing in life is experience. Results bring you this far. But experience will accompany you lifelong.

*sigh* Now that I can only wait for miracle to happen, the chances of me going to UK is basically 0. But then, when I think of it carefully, maybe God wishes me to go to the Southern hemisphere for some reasons. Even if I don't get to read law in the end (but Alvin said that God won't leave some impression that long in one's heart, so He'll open up a door for me at the end of the day), I guess it's because God says I can serve the people in another more efficient way.

I'll write more later in the evening, since I'll be free after class. Tata~

the below picture is just for background.

loving and caring friends

Finally get to meet all three Jed, Benny and Alvin in 1 meeting. =) I haven't really went out with Jed for like two years. I only remember seeing him once in lower Six, twice during upper Form 6 when he was doing A-levels (all three occasion where he came to school). Met Benny and Alvin just earlier this year during Chinese New Year visiting.

I was kind of worried this morning since I had an upset tummy. Steamboat isn't my first choice when coming to unwell stomach, but then I really wanted to share this nice place with them. I had promised Jed we'll go for this steamboat around 3 or 4 months ago. Luckily, everything became better by afternoon time.

I was late again this time (I really need to get rid of this bad habit), but at least this time, I have a good reason. I called a YB to ask for some help. But then, of course I didn't manage to get in touch with him. His secretary was real nice though. And I was surprised when he spoke Foochow to his colleague. I mean, it's rare to hear people speaking Foochow in KL. Normally we hear Cantonese, don't we? I must say that I had called both parties' (yeah, the most renowned governing and opposition) YB, and I must give a big thumb-up to them. No matter it's the YBs themselves or their assistant, they had been polite and patient to our questions. Even if things didn't go the way I wished, I still thank them for being willing to help me.

Well then, back to our gathering. We had a real decent meal. These pictures shall show you how full we got.

咱们很帅的Alvin哥哥（耶！终于找到月份比我大的人了～）在panggang食物。Benny在右边协助。Jed也有帮助哦……在没拍到的左边。

左边那位适合拍广告，右边那个适合演戏。

有没有看过焦成这样的？没有是不是？！所以我就觉得我们很厉害！哈哈……

中间很美味的食物，旁边很黑的烧焦盘……事情证明，煮东西比烤东西容易很多……也比较安全……

被我们烧掉的第二个盘……

赫！你没有看错，他真的会煮食物！（而身为女生的我竟然输他……【汗】）

咱们两大帅哥在认真研究照片 ing……

今晚的虫特别多。还没喝5口就给虫虫掉进去游泳了……=.= 咦？元杰，你不是说帮我喝掉它吗？做人不能浪费资源，又不可以太小姐嘛……好兄弟是拿来做莫滴？要两肋插刀，在所不惜。怎么可以为了区区的口水停止叻？

这个虫虫跳舞三部曲也很可爱。是我们乘A和J去散步时，发现到的可爱东西。我真的拍到它站立诶！可惜没拍到它倒立……

其他的照片就得等德基post上他的blog咯……迟些我会link的……话说，我们竟然能够烧掉一个锅，两个盘，再把八边手都被油溅到，相当了不起的纪录。

Link from Benny's blog at

http://bentuckee.blogspot.com/2009/07/june-july-break-in-sibu.html

The three boys were saying they can't have more, and yet, after 10 minutes, they starting gulfing down drinks and ice-creams. And I feel good, 'cause I'm not the one to eat the most~ yay! haha... However, we still need to get a walk round EverWin and the bus terminal to make ourselves feel better.

To end this part, share 2 经典名句：
1）A: 你们都不了解他，只有我懂他的心。
B: Love is blind。
2）我不敢把手放下，因为我怕我的肚子会掉下来。

A few words (okay, "paragraphs of") for you guys:

overall:

Thank you for caring. For the time being, it's my mum who belanja you guys. I'll go to the bank later and withdraw some to pay her. Not only I want to thank you for being caring, but I am the only one that had really started working. So, yeah..

(ps: Tin Yee, you had been helping me out a lot too, remind me to treat you next time. McFurry? For your information, no more Haagen-Diaz in Sibu *sob* I haven't try one.)

To Jed:

Thank you for all those time you stood by me. You really helped me a lot. A big thanks and hug to your mum who cared for me so much, since young. I must say, she's too much better than my Hong Kong aunty (yeah, the one you saw before in my house that scared (!) you) No matter what happens in future, you will always be my special friend.

(ps: Are you still angry about the lettuce? Sorry *sob sob sob*)

To Benny:

I never expected you will remember me in your prayers, so it really touched my heart to know you still remember this old friend of yours in Sibu. Like Tin Yee, you also helped me a lot in giving advice. I remember the times of exam when we were always place together. STPM seems a bit incomplete without seeing you nearby me =) And also when both of us were into H.O.T. I still like Kang-ta more ;P Now that I'm so into DBSK, it's nice to know you also liked them.

To Alvin:

Do you realise that out of you three, I knew you for the longest time? That's 13 years (another 4 months) You were always somewhere nearby me too every exam. You were controlling 1B when I was in 1A. You sat somewhere nearby me too in Primary 5. Sorry I forgot about that because I remembered after 2 years of different classes in secondary school, we become less close in the sense that we didn't talk as much. For someone who didn't have the habit of reading blogs, I was surprised that you know about my situation. And the ending prayer in Benny's car really touched me. A paragraph just for me. I did manage to hold my tears back this time. Recent crying make my eyes sore.

(ps: don't try this at home.)

I thought that post SPM life will be more or less without you guys (since Mdm Ling Ming Ming once say that after years, only STPM friends will continue to stay in contact). So when you guys actually cared about my dilemma now, I am truly grateful that God send me so many angels. Friends are angels without wings, now I do believe.

Wishing you guys and myself all the best. God bless!

Si tamak

Baiklah, saya mengaku, saya ini, memang tamak. Jikalau orang lain dalam situasi saya, rasanya 98% akan berasa amat gembira dan berterima kasih kepada Tuhan untuk apa yang telah dianugerahkan. Tetapi, saya menggunakan air mata saya tidak henti-henti sebagai balasan kepada-Nya. Hal ini membuatkan saya lebih benci kepada diri sendiri. Mempunyai kesedaran tentang apa yang sepatutnya dibuat kadang kala memberi perasaan pilu.

Pepatah Inggeris yang berbunyi "rumput di sebelah pagar lebih hijau" atau pepatah Bahasa Cina yang berbunyi "bulan di luar negara lebih bulat", manakah yang lebih sesuai menggambarkan pemikiran saya? Entahlah...

Sekarang ini, entah perkataan apa yang paling sesuai untuk merumuskan keadaan saya. Saya seharusnya bersyukur kerana Tuhan bukan sahaja telah mengurniakan saya badan yang sihat, minda yang cergas, tetapi juga peluang untuk merealisasikan impian saya. Mengapakah saya masih berasa murung? Hanya satu penjelasan : saya ini, homosapiens yang tamak.

Saya asyik menyesal tidak mengambil inisiatif untuk pergi ke KL dua tahun yang lalu untuk membuat A-levels. Saya hanya memikirkan kalaulah saya pergi, mesti saya lebih dekat dan kemungkinan besar dapat belajar undang-undang di UK. Saya telah lupa bahawa dua tahun tingkatan enam di Methodistlah yang berjaya membawa saya berdiri di pentas nasional, sesuatu yang saya ingat tidak akan berlaku dalam hidup saya lagi selepas tamat tingkatan 5. Tingkatan 6 jugalah yang memberi saya peluang menjadi EXCO Lembaga Pengawas yang benar-benar melatih saya untuk dunia dewasa. Itu juglah masa saya mula belajar taekwondo yang selama ini tidak pernah dibenarkan oleh emak saya. Saya telah mula berkhidmat sebagai pembantu di gereja, semasa kedua-dua sesi Bahasa Cina dan Bahasa Melayu. Banyak hal yang dipelajari, banyak pengalaman yang ditimba, banyak kawan yang ditemukan. Bukan itu sahaja, saya telah dinamakan Pelajar Mithali 2008, penganugerahan yang langsung tidak disangkakan. Tahun ini, saya telah diberi peluang untuk bekerja sebagai guru sandaran tidak terlatih. Pelajar yang pelbagai ragam terpaksa saya hadapi. Cara berinteraksi dengan guru-guru lain mesti dipelajari agar tidak menyakiti hati sesiapa. Persediaan pengajaran dan kertas ujian dilakukan tanpa banyak bantuan. Semua ini, tanpa saya sedari, dijayakan dengan berkat Tuhan yang Maha-Esa. Saya tidak memberi kredit yang secukupnya kepada Tuhan, sebaliknya merungut tentang apa yang tidak dikecapi. Saya berasa amat teruk sekali.

Emak saya berkata: "Tuhan tidak akan membawa anak-Nya melalui rintangan yang tidak dapat diharungi. Terimalah apa yang dikurniakan dengan hati yang syukur."

Saya bersalah kerana dalam kehidupan seharian, saya telah meletakkan keinginan saya di depan kehendak Tuhan. Saya tidak berterima kasih cukup atas penganuregahan-Nya tetapi hanya bersungut apabila sesuatu hal tidak mengikuti rancangan saya. Saya tidak rela meletakkan kehidupan saya sepenuhnya dalam tangan-Nya kerana khuatir saya tidak diberi apa yang diminta. Saya lupa Dia-lah pencipta dunia, Dia-lah penentu nasib.

Setelah lama berada dalam laut bergelora, rasanya tibalah masa saya untuk berenang balik ke pangkuan-Nya. Saya perlukan masa untuk "membetulkan" pemikiran saya yang bias sedikit (atau sememangnya bias dengan amat banyak?). Saya perlukan keberanian untuk percaya sepenuhnya bahawa rencana Tuhan untuk saya merupakan jalan yang paling baik.


Sebuah lagu untuk dinikmati : Betapa Hatiku

Betapa hatiku Tuhan
Berterima kasih Yesus
Kau mengasihiku Tuhan
Kau memilikku

Hanya ini Tuhan persembahanku
Segenap hidupku, jiwa dan ragaku
S'bab tak kumiliki harta kekayaan
Yang cukup bererti tuk kupersembahkan

Hanya ini Tuhan permohonanku
Terimalah Tuhan persembahanku
Pakailah hidupku sebagai alat-Mu
Seumur hidupku

Wahai kawan, silalah terus berdoa agar saya dapat menghadapi masa depanku yang bisanya pernah dengan liku-liku hidup dengan hati yang tabah. Nescaya dengan kasih sayangmu, saya akan berjaya. Saya juga akan mengingati anda dalam doaku.

Sekian, terima kasih.

shall be revealed

I know I had been a nuisance by moaning these few weeks. I didn't (and still) dare to reveal 100% my thoughts, not even to my parents. The powerlessness, perhaps, is the main reason I feel so depressed (am I?).

If I get cancer and can only live 1 year, or if next year's the end of the world, I'm sure I'll regret not being able to read Law IN UK. As why that country looks so appealing, I don't know. It's just something so fixed into my mind that it has become part of my soul. To forget about it isn't that easy.

Why do I weep? That's such a good question. And to match with it, I have an equally brilliant answer : I don't know. It's just a surge. Maybe because I didn't have a good flow of tears for the past 19 years?

Of course, crying over spilt milk is useless, but I can't help regretting things I had done and not achieved in the past two years.

Let's see, what else? Yeah, we are EXPECTING to make a FIRM decision by next week. Australia seems to be a better choice, although I still have to loan tens of thousands. Mum's quite reluctant now to let me off. Honestly, I still hope that something good will come in this two months.

Growing up can sometimes bring negative thinkings, such as losing the courage to just walk boldly into a foreign place without any doubt. Fear is what that's eating up my soul. I wanted so much to just dash over to UK, willing to work and sacrifice whatever possible. But what after that? If something crop up, I have barely nothing to support me. NOTHING. I can only wait helplessly in the airport to be deported back.

It's a weird thought that I craved so much to study overseas and yet wish to come back to Malaysia. Everyone (almost) wanted to leave this country of unfairness, but I wanted to serve the country. Naive or foolish? You grade it, and keep it.

For the time being, I can only pray for the best. What's the best? I don't know either. Growing older doesn't neccessarily means growing wiser. I feel like growing stupid-er in a way. Or is it because I have to much time to think? *growing mushrooms at home =.=* I'm learning very hard to leave things in God's hand and to obey His wishes, that are normally contradictory to mine. *sigh*

Looking forward to attending the steamboat with a happy soul and a healthy body.

Night~

我很累

真的是一波三折……我的耐性快没了，我的乐观被消磨殆尽了，我真的累了……总是在做决定的那一刻出现新的问题或人物，硬生生地打乱我的计划。这是第几次，我已经算不清了……我知道生活不是一帆风顺，可是也不必这么地坎坷吧？好啦，没有很辛苦，但是，我才20岁诶！我不是允浩，我不是隋棠，我不是明星，我没有义务在大众面前永远保持微笑。（允浩说：我是明星，我负责把欢笑带给大家，所以我不在众人面前表现悲伤/哭）

很多时候，我怀疑，到底什么才是我真正的目的？我是为我自己、为上帝、为父母还是单单为面子而拼一生？辛苦是我自找的吗？唉……

我想坚强，我想乐观，我想勇敢，可是……我很累……就快负荷不了心理上的压力，续而让身体也垮了……青青色的鼻涕不是浓浓的必须用力哼才出来，而是起床头离开枕头就会自动、没完没了地从鼻子流出来……这辈子没印象病得这么离谱过……

今天的转机是上帝听到大家为我的祷告而为我重新开启的一扇门吗？为什么我第n次决定去英国了，还是有人冒出来，把我带上分叉路口？

选择，
一辈子的选择，
前途的选择，
金钱的选择，
顺服的选择，
我的选择？

英国真的那么好吗？澳洲真的适合我吗？还是，我的心，根本就留恋马来西亚？

我的魂，
我的灵，
呼喊着：
主啊，求袮引领我！